The Monster You Let In
by SWWoman
Summary: Carter is critically wounded in a shooting, forcing Reese to confront the monster inside of him and his feelings for her.
1. Chapter 1 - The Monster Emerges

I don't own any of the characters you recognize, I really wish I did though!

Maddsgirl75, thanks again for being such an awesome Beta!

John Reese was angry...really, really angry. He rarely got that angry; his years in Special Forces and the CIA had taught him how to control his emotions, how to beat back the anger and box it away so that it did not interfere with the mission. He had spent years as an emotionless machine, a monster really, doing his country's bidding without question or hesitation, no matter how bloody or awful the job had been. His ability to toss emotion aside like an empty cup had served him well.

Of course, the trouble with being so good at _not_ feeling meant that when you did feel something you were very bad at it, and John Reese was not good at dealing with feelings. He had assumed when he took the job with Finch that he could just switch his emotions off like he had done so many times in the past, but for some odd reason, the more he interacted with "normal" people as he worked the numbers, the harder it was for him to switch them off. He had grown comfortable with his emotional switch in the OFF position, and was unsure of himself in this new territory.

Chief among his problems was NYPD Detective, Josselyn Carter. Reese had told himself that his feelings for her were just admiration for a tough cop with a moral compass that consistently pointed in the right direction without fail. She challenged him at every turn to be a better person, to stop taking short cuts, and stay on the right side of the law. She had been helping people and putting bad guys away for a long time, and Reese acknowledged that he and Finch were 'Johnnies Come Lately' to the whole 'Helping People' game, compared to her. She was also beautiful, with flawless skin, large expressive brown eyes, and a smile that could outshine the brightest Broadway marquee.

If he were being honest with himself, he really should not have been surprised when he finally figured that his feelings for her went much deeper than just admiration. He was most definitely falling in love with that woman, but Reese had little experience in being honest with himself, so the revelation hit him like the proverbial ton of bricks. She was not his usual type; he usually preferred a less challenging woman, one who would look up to him as a White Knight and Protector. Carter was more likely to punch him in the arm; hard, and snarl, "what were you thinking?" Usually when he would smirk and flirt with a woman, they would get all giggly and give him what he wanted pretty easily. With Carter, she would roll her eyes and give him that death glare, or shut him down with a smirk and a quip of her own. Only then would she hand over whatever it was he needed because it was the right thing to do, not because he had batted his baby blues at her.

So it was a shock to discover that his dreams now regularly included the kick ass cop and she was very much out of uniform. He also caught himself staring at her lips; wondering if they felt as soft as they looked, and would grin like an idiot when her name popped up on his caller ID. But, when you have spent much of your life as an emotional cripple, you find these things upsetting, not pleasurable the way normal people do.

A normal person would just call up the object of their desire, and ask them out for coffee, or buy them some dinner. But Reese was not normal, so he didn't do anything like that. He tried to box up his feelings the way he had always done, not realizing that when it came to love, that tended to make things worse, not better. He had become a volcano just waiting to go off.

The volcano finally erupted the previous night. He and Carter were working on a case involving a drug dealer who was blackmailing a doctor. The dealer had taken a potshot at Carter during a chase, and though the shot had missed by a country mile, John had let his rage get the better of him. Nobody was going to take a shot at Joss Carter and get away with it as long as John Reese was alive! Reese had put the dealer down like a rabid dog with one well-placed shot to the forehead. Carter had been furious, it had been an unnecessary kill in her opinion, and she always got angry at him when he killed someone.

But, for some reason Reese could not understand, instead of handling the situation with his usual smirk and quip, he had gotten angry back at her. Really angry. Angry like he had not been in a very long time, and it had scared him. He had yelled at her, John could not even remember the last time he had yelled at anyone, much less someone he cared for as much as he did for Carter.

"He was trying to kill you! I wasn't going to let him shoot you!" He shouted at her.

"I don't need some lawless vigilante to tell me how to do my job! The shot wasn't even close! We could have taken him alive! I told you, I have rules!" She snarled back.

"How about you dig the stick out of your ass and get real! Your precious rules could have gotten you killed!" John moved so that he was practically right on top of her, looming over her in her personal space, and trying to use his height advantage to intimidate her.

Unfortunately for him, Joss Carter does not intimidate easily. The tactic failed, making her even angrier at him and she had jammed her finger into his chest to make her point. "I've been doing this job for a long time before you came along, and my precious rules, as you call them, haven't gotten me killed yet!"

When Carter began jamming her finger into his chest, John's emotions shifted from very angry to blind fury. He didn't hear a word she said, and he had grabbed her wrist in an iron grip that made her actually gasp in pain and then she had looked up at him in complete and utter shock. Reese looked down at her, intending to get right down in her face to make his point, but he stopped when he saw the hurt expression on her face. That had snapped him back into reality. He had dropped her wrist and stepped back from her, forcing his cold, emotionless mask back into place and beating the anger back into its box.

"I need to leave now", was all he'd said to her in a low even tone, then he'd turned on his heel and walked rapidly away.

He ignored her when she called out to him to wait. He was sick to his stomach, he had done the one thing he had sworn to himself long ago that he would never do; he had touched a woman in anger. To make it worse, he had not touched just any woman in anger, he had touched HER. He knew he should go back and apologize, and see if she was alright, but he was scared. He was scared of the reaction she had provoked from him, and scared that he had damaged what had become a very important relationship in his life.

He had hung up on Finch when the older man had called him to ask if he was alright. He suspected that Finch had overheard the argument, but he didn't want Finch's pity, he didn't deserve it. He had been right about himself all along, he was a monster, and he needed to get away, to bring himself down off of his anger high and get back to being the stone cold agent he was so good at being.

He had walked the twenty-odd blocks all the way back to the library, hoping it would clear his head. It didn't. He headed to the garage under the library, for the Ducati. He saw a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye as he entered the building; Finch must have seen him coming on the cameras he had monitoring the area. Hell, Finch probably watched him walk all the way back from the alleyway where he had left Carter.

"Oh thank God, Detective Carter was so worried about you!" Finch called out to him. But Reese ignored his boss and started strapping on his helmet. Finch reached him just as he mounted the bike.

"You should call Carter, she is very upset. She said you were not acting like yourself. She's very worried, John."

Reese turned his hard, cold eyes on Finch. "I am acting like me, Finch. Maybe it's time the two of you figured out just what kind of a monster you let in." Finch stopped, eyes wide open in shock. Reese rode out of the garage at top speed.

Reese whipped through traffic like a man possessed. He wove in and out and drove far too fast until he finally arrived at his destination; a secluded beach on Long Island that he discovered a while back as a good place to think undisturbed. He sat cross legged on the beach, morosely watching the waves roll in and out while he systematically destroyed a blade of grass with his thumbnail.

Finch was right, he should call Carter. He should apologize to her for losing his temper and for touching her the way he did. And he should cut her loose; having her around was too dangerous for both of them, he had trouble keeping his head in the game when she was with him. But the thought of never seeing her again just about killed him.

He briefly entertained the idea of actually allowing himself to try to woo her. He closed his eyes and smiled as he thought about the possibilities. Waking up next to her in the morning, being able to kiss her when he felt like it, cuddling on the couch while they watched movies together, having Taylor for a son. He wanted that, he wanted that very badly. But there was a small, no - make that huge, problem, he wasn't a normal guy. He was a killer, many times over, and she knew it. Carter was a good person, and he was not. She put up with him for the sake of doing good things, but he suspected that she would probably be horrified if she knew how he felt. She would probably run from him in Olympic Medal time if she knew he wanted to kiss her until she begged for mercy.

One thing was for sure, he had to find some way to deal with his feelings for her. He could not let what happened last night happen again. He had to keep the monster bottled up around her; he couldn't let it out again.

His thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of his phone. He checked the number, it was Finch. Carter had tried to call him several times last night, but he'd ignored it, he was not ready to deal with what had happened between them yet. Maybe Harold had a new number, and a new number could distract him from his problems right now, so he decided to answer.

"Mr Reese, you need to return as soon as possible." Finch sounded upset, and Reese's stomach clenched. Something was very wrong.

"Do we have a new number?"

"No, there has been…there has been a shooting. Detective Carter has been critically wounded, and Fusco has been hurt as well."

Reese was already at the Ducati, strapping on his helmet. "What happened? Why wasn't she wearing her vest? Dammit, I told her to always wear her vest!"

"She was, as was Fusco, but the assailants were using Kevlar piercing rounds."

John straddled the bike and started it, roaring back towards the city at top speed. "What happened, tell me everything you know."

"It started as a bank robbery. The alarm was tripped right after the bank opened, at 10:06. Carter and Fusco were in the area working on one of their cases so they responded, along numerous uniformed policemen. John, these men were prepared; they had complete suits of top of the line body armor, and their weapons were loaded with Kevlar piercing ammunition. I believe they wanted to provoke a confrontation with the police. Carter and Fusco, with their handguns and department issued vests, never stood a chance." Finch's voice broke.

Reese felt the bile rise in his throat. He should have been there; this was the kind of thing he could do better than the police. He was one of the best snipers in the Army; he had high powered weapons in his arsenal that were far and above anything Carter had access to. He trained for this type of combat. Had he not been mooning about on the beach he could have prevented this….

"Where are the bank robbers now?"

"One is dead. Carter managed to take one out with a head shot, that's when she was hit. The other one hijacked a vehicle, and got away."

He forced himself to ask the next question because he was so afraid of the answer. "How bad are Carter and Fusco hurt?"

"Fusco was hit in the arm by a bullet that pierced the car door he was using for cover, and again in the ankle by a ricochet. Carter…Carter…is hurt much, much worse."

John was forced to pull off to the side of road. His eyes were so filled with tears that he couldn't see, and he was about to throw up.

"Tell how me bad, Finch", he pleaded.

Finch took a deep breath. "She has two bullet wounds to the torso, resulting in a collapsed lung and massive internal bleeding. One wound to the shoulder, and another to her leg. She and Fusco lay there and bled for several minutes before anyone could get to them. She lost a lot of blood." Finch's voice was almost a sob.

John dropped to his knees and vomited. He remained on his knees for a few minutes gasping for air, trying to bring his racing heart under control. He called upon all his CIA and sniper training to calm himself and forced his body back on the bike so that he could get to Carter as quickly as possible.

"Where is she, Finch?" John didn't even notice his voice breaking.

Finch gave him the name of the hospital, and Reese headed straight there. Finch was already there, arranging for Carter and Fusco to have private rooms next to each other and for them to have to best care possible. Neither one would have to worry about medical bills not covered by their insurance.

Carter was still in surgery when Reese arrived. The last news Finch had was that she had nearly bled out in the ambulance, and she was still in surgery. No one could tell him if she was going to survive. However, the effort to re-inflate her injured lung in the trauma room had been successful and John clung to that good news like a drowning man clings to a rope.

Carter's mother, Alice, and her son Taylor arrived shortly after John did. Taylor was immensely relived to see Finch and Reese. John appreciated Taylor's trust, but felt like a fraud since he could have prevented the whole thing in the first place if he had just acted like an adult instead of an emotionally stunted brat. But Taylor did not need John to dump his guilt onto him right now, so he kept his mouth shut and did his best to be a rock for the teen.

All they could do now was wait.


	2. Chapter 2 - Long Night

**Chapter 2 – Long Night**

Throughout the surgery, cops come and went looking for news on their injured colleagues and paranoid Finch was dying on the inside from having all these law enforcement officers in such close proximity, but he didn't want to leave. He long ago had figured out that Reese had deep feelings for Carter, and he was terrified of what John would do if Josselyn died. He needed to be there in case the worst happened.

Finch was also worried that someone would recognize John as the 'Elusive Man in the Suit'. The NYPD had been chasing John for some time, but none of them knew what John really looked like, since all they had was the description; a tall guy in a suit. John was wearing jeans, a t-shirt and his leather motorcycle jacket, and was obviously known and liked by Taylor, so they never caught on that one of the most wanted men in the city was sitting amongst them. John remained cool and calm, and never gave any indication that he was nervous about meeting any of the officers. He even managed to chat amiably with a few of them.

After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor finally emerged from the O.R. with good news. While Carter's injuries were serious, and she would probably need a couple more surgeries to completely repair all of her wounds, she would recover. Only Finch saw the tear trickle down John's cheek before he swiped it away.

"Can I see her?" Taylor asked.

"We will move her to her room in a few minutes, and after we get her settled in, you can see her," the doctor told him.

While they were waiting for Carter to come out of the O.R., John and Harold decided to check up on Fusco. Lionel was sitting up, but somewhat drowsy from the pain killers. One arm was in a sling and his leg was in a splint up to the knee.

"How's Carter doing? No one tells me nothin' around here", he groused, as soon as they entered the room. Despite his ill humor, John felt just bit kinder towards the man for his obvious concern for his partner.

"Surgery went well, she's going to be fine, but she has a long recovery ahead of her." Finch informed him.

"At least she's gonna be OK. What about the bank robbers? I know Carter took one of the bastards down, what happened to the other one?"

"It appears that he got away for now. Mr Reese and I will track him down. I'm sure he will be avenging Carter's injuries," Finch assured him.

"You got that right Finch," Reese said, in that that low deadly tone that both Fusco and Finch knew meant someone was about to die. Fusco nodded his approval; while Fusco was very loyal, his moral compass wasn't exactly pointed due north.

At that point Fusco's ex-wife and son arrived, so Reese and Finch excused themselves. Joss had been brought down from surgery and the nurses were getting her settled in her room. Taylor and Alice were standing in the corner of the room, holding hands and watching carefully with helpless expressions on their faces. John moved over by Taylor and squeezed his shoulder; Taylor acknowledged him with a tight nod and went back to staring at his mother.

John almost didn't recognize Joss with all the tubes, monitors and IVs hooked up to her. She was still unconscious and her normally beautiful skin was ashen.

Finch watched Reese carefully. John tended to be intense at the best of times, and right now he was as tense as Finch had ever seen him. He never took his eyes off of Joss as she was settled into her bed. Finch saw John's eyes slowly fill with tears that he attempted to blink back. Finch's heart was suddenly very heavy in his chest.

Finch turned his attention to Taylor to find that Taylor's expression mirrored John's. His brown eyes were locked on his mother, and he too was blinking back tears. Finch did not think his heart could get any heavier, but somehow it managed to sink lower in his chest. Harold vowed to find the man responsible for this. He was not a vengeful or angry man, but the sad scene in front of him almost made him one. Seeing the pain in the eyes of the son, the mother and man who loved the injured woman, Finch briefly wanted the fugitive's head on a platter so he could serve it up to John.

Once Carter was settled and the machines were hooked up to the nurses' satisfaction, Taylor approached his mother and held her hand, talking softly to her.

John suddenly felt like an intruder, he didn't deserve to be here, he didn't belong here. He touched Harold's arm. "Let's give them some privacy," and they moved to the door.

Taylor saw them going and said, "You're coming back." It was a statement, not a question. John was startled, a bit unsure as to why Taylor would actually want him around. He nodded. "We'll be back in a while. We just want to give you some time alone with your mom."

Alice followed them out the door and touched John's arm. "I'm sorry, I don't know you, but Taylor obviously does. Thank you for being here for him."

Harold took her hand and smiled. "I'm Harold and this is John. We have had the pleasure of working with your daughter on several cases and we have…become very fond of her. If you need anything please let us know."

"Do we have you to thank for the private room?" Alice asked. "My late husband was a cop, I know NYPD insurance doesn't cover private rooms."

Harold gave Alice his most reassuring smile. "Don't worry; it's all taken care of."

"Thanks, Harold." Alice hugged him, and went back into the room.

Harold turned to John who had been standing next to him quietly throughout the exchange, looking rather lost and miserable. "If you don't need me here, I'm going to go back to the Library and start tracking down the gunman."

John nodded, but didn't say anything.

"John," Finch said softly. "She's going to be fine. I've arranged for the best care possible. She will be up and arguing with you in no time."

The corner of John's mouth ticked up, just for a second, and then he let it drop again. "I failed her, Finch. I should have been there."

"John, stop it. Carter and her family need you right now. This is not the time for recriminations. I seriously doubt you could have made it to the scene in time to prevent Carter's injuries anyway. The whole incident took place in a remarkably short time frame." Finch turned and limped off.

John watched him go. Reese knew Finch was right, he could guilt trip later; right now he needed to focus on helping Taylor and Joss through the crisis. But, why, of all the people he had protected and saved, why could he never seem to be in the right place to save the woman he loved? He couldn't save Jessica and she'd died, he was not there for Joss, and she nearly died. What was wrong with him?

John wandered sadly around the hospital for a while and finally settled down in the small chapel. He wasn't a religious man, but it was quiet and he had the place to himself. He decided that he would deal with his feelings for Joss later. He just hoped he could learn to manage his emotions so he could continue to work with her after she recovered. The thought of not having her in his life at all would kill him. Regardless, he would place Joss first and do whatever was best for her.

After a couple of hours he realized it was getting late. He wanted to head back to Carter's room and convince Alice and Taylor to go home and get some rest. He would stay, of course. There was no way he was going to leave her alone.

John was not surprised when he entered the room and Taylor hadn't moved from the spot he had been in when John had left. Taylor was still seated next to the bed, holding his mother's hand and talking softly to her. Alice had seated herself on the other side and was holding Joss's other hand.

When she saw John enter the room she got up and spoke quietly to him. "I can't get Taylor to leave."

John nodded, "I'll see what I can do". He approached the teenager and laid his hand on his shoulder. "Taylor, it's late it time for you to go home and get some rest."

"I don't want her left alone." John nodded; he understood what the teenager was saying.

"Don't worry, I'll stay with her." Taylor turned and looked up at John, and wiped a tear away.

Alice grabbed John in an unexpected hug. "Thank you for being here. I know it means a lot to Taylor."

John swallowed that bitter pill, had he been there when Joss needed him, they would not be in the hospital now. But that was something he would deal with when Joss was better.

John saw Alice and Taylor out and then stood by the door staring at Joss lying there in the bed, the steady beep-beep of the heart monitor the only sound in the room. He slowly approached the bed. Finch had arranged for a cot to be brought in for him, but he knew he was not going to use it. He sat down in the chair by the bed that Taylor had just vacated and took the same hand that Taylor had been holding. He stared hard at Joss's lovely face, marred by the breathing tube snaking from the corner of her mouth and taped to her cheek.

John reached and tenderly touched the other cheek. Her color had improved somewhat during the day, but it was still off. She looked so vulnerable laying there that John was overwhelmed. He vowed to kill the man who shot her as soon as Finch found him.

John leaned over her and kissed her forehead, letting his lips linger, as the tears he had been suppressing all day finally started to make their way down his cheeks.

"Joss, I don't know if you can hear me. I'm so sorry for last night, I never should have grabbed you like that, it was inexcusable. I hope you can forgive me. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you today. I should have been there and you got hurt because I wasn't. You are so important to me, and I failed you. I can't lose…you…" and John couldn't go on; he put his head down on the bed next to Carter and began to cry quietly. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" he kept repeating over and over.

….

**Thanks for all your kind reviews for Chapter 1! Sorry for the short chapter, more to come.**


	3. Chapter 3 - Revenge

**CHAPTER 3 - Revenge**

John finally fell asleep sitting in the chair next to Joss, with his head on the bed next to her, still holding her hand. He slept until Finch came into the room first thing in the morning, carrying a take-out box from the diner, and a drink holder with twocups in it.

John looked up and blinked, bleary-eyed at his employer. "Don't you ever knock?"

Finch smiled cheerfully. "Not if I can help it."

John rubbed his eyes, "How did you get in here before visiting hours?"

Finch placed the box on the corner of the bed and extracted the plate of Eggs Benedict. "I am a very generous benefactor Mr Reese. It buys me certain privileges. Here, eat. There's coffee for you, too."

"Did you find the guy who shot Joss yet?"

"Eat, Mr Reese."

John sighed and took the fork Finch handed him. Finch was obviously not going to tell him a damn thing until he ate his breakfast, so he had better do as daddy ordered. John hadn't eaten at all the day before, and he was actually quite hungry, so he dug into the breakfast Finch had brought for him while Finch brought him up to date on his investigation.

"The coroner has identified the dead man as a Charles Gibbs, who has had more than his fair share of run-ins with the NYPD. Our own Detective Fusco has even arrested him a few times; Mr Gibbs apparently dwelt in his old precinct. I hacked his email, AOL if you can believe that, I can't believe anyone still uses AOL!"

"Finch", John said firmly before the computer genius could go off on one his rants, "stick to the point. What did you find in Gibbs's email?"

"Mr Gibbs used a crude, but effective code to plan the robbery with a Peter Hagman, which is why the Machine did not pick up on their plans.

"Mr Hagman has quite the checkered past. He got kicked out of the Army by the time he was 20 because he had a tendency to beat up any soldier who offended him, and he took offense to just about everything from what I saw of his record. He tried to join the Minuteman movement, and patrol the border looking for illegal aliens trying to cross into the US, but he was too, um, enthusiastic, even for them, and was asked to leave the organization. Since then he has been subsisting on odd jobs and the generosity of the few friends he has, including Gibbs.

"The police do not seem to be on to Hagman yet, they are still investigating Gibbs, and they are waiting for a court order to get into his email. AOL is quite particular about these things. Since today is Saturday it will probably take most of the rest of the day before they get one, so you should have Hagman all to yourself. Here is his last known address and a picture." Finch handed John a couple of pieces of paper.

John studied the face of the man who shot Joss. Hagman was abeefy guy with broad shoulders and a head that sat directly on them without much of neck in between. His face had a sour expression and he had a small swastika tattooed on his right temple. John's upper lip curled in a snarl, he was going to put a bullet right through that tattoo.

Finch continued, "Be careful, looking at his recent purchase history, he does have quite an arsenal of legally purchased weaponry. There is no wayof knowing how many illegal weapons he may have."

John nodded. "Don't worry Finch, all the weapons in the world won't save him if he doesn't see me coming."

"What are your plans?"

"Find Hagman. Kill Hagman. Then come back here and sit with Joss some more."

"I doubt Detective Carter would approve of the second item on your list, John."

"She's lying here unconscious with several bullet holes in her, Harold. I can't let that go."

"I'm not suggesting you let it go, I merely submit that killing Hagman in cold blood is not the only solution. There are other ways, ones that Detective Carter would be more likely to approve of. She is going to wake up in the next few days, and when she does, wouldn't you rather she approve of your actions?"

John glared at Finch, while the smaller man looked back at him placidly. Deep down, John knew Finch was right, Carter would prefer he package Hagman up for the cops, rather than kill him. But John really wanted revenge. He also wanted every criminal in the city toknow that messing with Carter meant certain death. Maybe one of them would think twice before he tried to harm her again.

On the other hand, he didn't want Carter to wake up mad at him. He wanted herto trust and respect him, maybe even come to care for him someday. He didn't dare hope that she would return his love.

John and Harold heard a "thunk, thunk, thunk" and they looked up to see Fusco comeclomping in on the splint the doctors had placed on his injured ankle. "How's Carter doing?" He asked, sitting down heavily in the last chair in the room.

"I believe the doctor is scheduled to remove her breathing tube later today. She should be waking up in the next day or two. How are you feeling? Any pain?" Finch replied.

"Arm hurts, ankle's not so bad. I get to take another pain pill in an hour. You find the scum that shot her yet?"

John nodded. "Finch found an address; I'm going to check it out as soon as Taylor and Alice get here."

"You can go, John. I'll stay here until Carter's family get here," Finch said.

"Tell them I'll be back to stay with her tonight again."

"I will. Good luck. I'll return to the library as soon as I can in case you need me."

John left the hospital and took the Ducati back to the garage to swap it out for one of the nondescript compact cars in Finch's small fleet. The Ducati would attract too much attention in Hagman's neighborhood, but Harold had obtained a couple of cars that no one would look at twice. He drove to his loft, took a shower, shaved and put on a suit and fresh dress shirt. He grabbed a couple of weapons and drove to Hagman's last known address.

Hagman lived in a crummy little studio apartment, in an even crummier part of town. John checked the place out from the roof of the building next door, which was made easier by the fact thatHagman didn't have any curtains over his windows.

After several minutes it became apparent that Hagman was not home, and Reese beat back the panicky thought that Hagman may have fled already. Reese cautiously entered the building and made his way to the top floor where Hagman's apartment was. Using his bump key, he had the door open in a few seconds.

Reese looked around, and to his relief, it looked like Hagman had not bolted yet. There was a suitcase, still unpacked, under the bed. After a couple minutesof searching, John actually found some of the money from the robbery still in the apartment, and a stash of weapons and body armor hidden in the closet. John also found plane tickets to Costa Rica for later thatweek. Obviously the plan was to lay low for a few days before attempting to leave the country. All he had to do was wait, and Hagman would be back.

Reese was right, after about an hour, he heard a male and a female voice singing and laughing in the hallway. John clenched his jaw and his eyes hardened to pure blue ice. Hagman was having a damned party while Joss was lying in the hospital unconscious. Reese took a deep breath to calm himself; he could not afford anger now.

He moved over by the door, flattened his back against the wall, and waited. Hagman and his female companion staggered through the door, obviously very drunk. A quick glance told John that the woman was a "working girl" that Hagman had picked up off the street, which was very easy to do in this neighborhood.

John used the butt of his gun to smash the base of Hagman's skull from behind, and he dropped to the floor without a sound. The woman turned to look at Reese and squealed in terror when she saw the gun leveled at her.

"Quiet", John snarled at her, "I'm not interested in you, just him. Go back to your corner and you didn't see a thing."

The woman nodded, eyes wide, and scrambled out the door as fast as she could in her platform high heels.

Reese turned his attention to the unconscious Hagman. Reese stood there for several minutes looking at the man who had nearly killed his beloved Joss. Reese closed his eyes and fought for control, he really wanted to kill this man, slowly and painfully. Reese knew plenty of ways to kill someone so they died in absolute agony; he had done it before, without hesitation.

However, Reese also knew that if he did kill Hagman, he would either have to explain it toJoss, or lie to her. He didn't want to do anything that would erode the trust she had placed in him, nor did he want her to see him as a monster. He knew he was a monster, but some reason Joss didn't seem to think so, and he finally realized that her good opinion of him trumped everything else. No matter what happened in his life, as long as Joss thought he was one of the good guys, he could live with anything else.

After wrestling with his new found conscience for several minutes, John finally raised his foot and brought it down with a satisfying crunch on Hagman's hand and wrist. At least Hagman would never be able to hold a gun again. Hagman startedto come around, probably because of the pain, and he moaned pitifully. Reese then dragged Hagman over to the bed, and dumped him onto it none too gently, and tied him spread eagle to the bed posts. He couldn't help delivering a few blows to Hagman's head while he was tying him down. Hagman would live, but he would be hurting while he did it.

John went through Hagman's pockets until he found the man's cell phone. He flipped it open, and after consulting his own phone, dialed the number for FBI Special Agent Donnelly, grateful he had thought to get the number off Carter's phone when she wasn't looking.

"Donnelly."

"Hello Agent. Would you like to know where you canfind the guy who robbed the First Bank of Manhattan and shot all those cops yesterday?" John said smoothly.

"Of course I would. Do you know where I can find him?" John smiled, he could tell Donnelly was fighting a surge of adrenaline, but remaining calm and professional. He kinda liked the guy in spite of himself.

"Yes, you can find him at 2010 Chelsey Street, apartment 5B. You don't need to hurry, he's rather tied up at the moment."

"Who are you? How do you know this?"

"Just a concerned third party. No need to thank me."

Reese hung up the call, wiped his prints off the phone, and stuck it back in Hagman's pocket. After carefully wiping down everything he'd touched in the apartment, he left, leaving the door slightly ajar. He strolled across the street, took up his position on the roof and waited.

Donnelly, and what seemed like every FBI Agent in NYC, showed up several minutes later. Reese smirked in satisfaction as he watched them secure the building, then race up the stairs to the fifth floor. He watched with his binoculars through the window as Donnelly cautiously opened the door to the apartment and chortled happily when he saw the expression on Donnelly's face when he saw Hagman tied to the bed. Reese had to admit that was one of the most satisfying moments he'd had since he returned to the states.


	4. Chapter 4 - Awake

**Chapter 4 - Awake**

John left the roof and headed around the corner to where he left the car. He tapped the first preset number on his phone, "Finch?"

"I'm here, Mr Reese. I take it from the excitement on Chelsey Street that your mission was successful?"

"Successful and satisfying. Hagman is in the custody of the FBI now."

"Not dead? Detective Carter will be quite pleased with you, Mr Reese."

"That was the idea Finch. How is she? Is she awake yet?"

"No, but the doctor said not to worry, he did not expect her to wake just yet. The breathing tube has been removed, and her injured lung sounds good. Taylor and Alice are with her now, and there has been a steady stream of police officers stopping by to visit."

John sighed; he probably should avoid the hospital if it was crawling with cops and he was recognizable in a suit. He really wanted to get back to Joss, but now was not a good time.

He drove around for a bit until he spotted a florist shop. He went in and purchased the biggest bouquet of blood red roses they had, in a crystal vase. He drove to the library, and put the car away in the underground garage. Not wanting to leave the roses in the car to wilt, he toted them upstairs to the computer room.

Finch glanced over as John entered, saw the flowers, and deadpanned, "You shouldn't have."

Reese smiled sweetly and said, "I didn't, they're for Carter." He placed them on a table. He glanced over to Finch's monitor and saw Finch was watching the Chelsey Street apartment. "How's Donnelly doing with Hagman?"

"From what I have been able to discern from listening to various police transmissions, Hagman has been transported to the hospital under heavy guard. He has no idea what hit him, or how he got tied to the bed. Donnelly has sent the various guns found in the apartment off to ballistics for processing. He's confident that the results will match the slugs that were pulled out of Carter and the other wounded. They have also matched the serial numbers of some of the bills they found in the apartment to those taken from the bank. Mr Hagman will never be a free man again."

Finch turned stiffly in his chair to face Reese. "John, for what it is worth, you did the right thing by letting Hagman live. I know you wanted to destroy him, to exact your revenge for what he did to Detective Carter, but it is better this way. Better for you, and better for her."

Reese lowered his eyes, touched by Finch's words. "Thanks for the vote of confidence Finch. At the end of the day, I decided that I wanted keep Carter's trust more than I wanted revenge, and I know I'll lose her if I run around killing people all the time."

"Wise choice, John." Finch checked his watch, "It's dinner time now, I'm going to drive over to the hospital, and try to talk Alice and Taylor into going to dinner with me. I'm guessing they haven't had much to eat the last couple of days. Care to come along?"

"Yeah, I think you have a better chance of getting them out of there if I stay with Joss."

"Precisely what I was thinking, Mr Reese."

Finch and Reese took the Lincoln to the hospital and went up to Carter's room. As expected, Taylor and Alice were there, keeping their vigil. They looked up and smiled broadly when they saw Reese and Finch enter. Alice took the vase of roses from Reese.

"Lordy, look at the size of this bouquet! You don't do anything halfway, do you Mr Reese?"

"I try not to", John grinned at her.

Finch cleared his throat, "I would like to take you to dinner. The cafeteria food is not the best, and I know Josselyn would want me to keep you well fed. When was the last time you ate, Taylor?"

Alice answered, "He ate breakfast, but only because I told him I would not drive him over here if he didn't eat. He doesn't want to leave Joss, he's afraid she will wake up and be alone."

Reese laid his hand on Taylor's shoulder. "Go eat, I'll stay with her."

Taylor nodded, he seemed to be comfortable with leaving his mother in Reese's care.

As soon as they were gone, Fusco came clomping in on his splint again. "You're getting better walking around on that thing", Reese observed.

"Thanks, the pain isn't as bad either. Whoa, who sent the roses?" Fusco caught Reese's sheepish look and laughed. "Shoulda known."

"How's the recovery going? Are they going to release you soon?" John asked, trying to distract the detective from teasing him over the roses.

"Oh man, they don't get ESPN, and daytime programming sucks, though I'm telling ya that Rachel Ray is a cutie. I'm bored out my skull here. I spent most of the day asleep. Thank God they're gonna turn me loose tomorrow."

"Do you have someone who can stay with you? You're not going to be very mobile for a while."

"Yeah, my ex, Liz, says she'll come by every day, and my sister will drop by when she gets a chance. Finch is gonna have a nurse show up every morning to change the dressings. I understand he's the reason I'm not sharing a room. Regular Employer of the Year, ain't he?"

"Finch takes care of his people."

"Well, he's a funny little guy, but I'm grateful I'm one of his people."

"Yeah, me too."

Fusco settled down in the chair Alice had vacated. "How's Joss? Her color looks better."

"She's getting stronger, they took her off the heart monitor and the breathing tube. She should wake up soon." John was absently stroking her hand, which did not go unnoticed by Fusco, but he wisely did not say anything.

"You get the guy that done this to her? If you don't, I will."

John actually smiled at Fusco for probably the first time in their entire acquaintance. "It's taken care of, but I'm sure she'll appreciate the sentiment. I gave him over to Donnelly." John relayed the entire story to Fusco of how he mugged and tied up Hagman before calling the FBI.

Fusco chuckled, "You better watch it, Carter's gonna get jealous if you go around gifting perps to other cops."

At that point a nurse entered the room, "There you are Mr Fusco, it's time for your meds!" She handed him a couple of pills and a cup of water. Fusco gulped them down. Then he stood up, "I better go back to my room, these pills knock me on my ass." And he clomped off, leaving Reese alone with Joss.

John gazed down at her. Her color was back to normal, and he was grateful that the breathing tube had been removed; the only sign of it was the slight irritation where the tape had been on her cheek. John reached out and gently laid his large hand on her cheek. He sat like that for a long time, until Finch returned with Taylor and Alice.

After making sure Alice and Taylor would not need a ride home, Finch took his leave. After he had been gone just a few minutes, John got a text: _Just passed Donnelly in the hall_. John promptly excused himself, assuring Taylor he would return shortly. He managed to duck out of the room just as Donnelly turned the corner in the hallway. John took a seat in a chair down the hall, hiding behind a discarded newspaper, and watched Donnelly approach.

Donnelly was carrying a vase of carnations. "Ha!", thought John. "Mine's bigger!" John was pretty sure that Donnelly was there to tell Carter's family that the gunman was now in custody.

Donnelly stayed about 15 minutes. John saw him leave and waited another 10 minutes before he returned to the room so that it wouldn't look like he was trying to avoid the FBI Agent.

Alice was smiling from ear to ear when he got back. "The FBI was just here! They caught the man who did this to Joss!"

Taylor smirked at John. "Yeah they said he was pretty beat up when they found him. They don't know who did it or who phoned in the tip letting the FBI know where they could find him, but that dude sure must have been a bad ass!" And then Taylor gave John a wink.

John merely smirked back.

Visiting hours were over soon after, and Taylor and Alice left John to continue the vigil.

John settled back down in the chair Taylor had just vacated and picked up Joss's hand, gently rubbing it with his thumb. He leaned his head against his other hand and just watched her. He sat like that for several minutes, just letting his eyes roam over her beautiful face, marveling at her flawless skin and full lips. Her face was relaxed and she looked so peaceful sleeping there, just the way John imagined she would look if he should ever have the privilege of waking up next to her. He reached up and let himself touch her face tenderly, the way he had always wanted to, the way he had been afraid to, afraid she would reject him.

Throwing cold water on himself mentally, John pulled his thoughts back from that particular train of thought. Now was not time for that. Gently, in his low, whispery voice, John started talking to her.

"Finch found the guy that did this to you, Joss. You'd be proud of me, I didn't kill him. I really wanted to. Don't get me wrong, the old John Reese would have killed him without a second thought. But I knew you wouldn't like it if I did, so I turned him over to Donnelly. I did it for you, because I want … want to be the kind of man that you can trust. Maybe even love someday."

He told her how Finch had hacked Gibbs's emails, which is how he had found Hagman. He told her how angry he had been that Hagman had been out partying while she had been in the hospital. He told her how much he wanted kill Hagman for hurting her. And he told her how he had tied up Hagman and called Donnelly. "You should have seen it Joss, you would have laughed." His voice broke a bit when he realized how close he came to never hearing her wonderful laugh again.

He paused, his eyes filling with tears. He closed his eyes and brought himself under control. After he found out about Jessica's death, he closed his heart off, vowing never to be that vulnerable again. But the human heart has other ideas, he knew that now. Not only did he fall in love again, he fell for a woman in a dangerous profession. This was a new experience for John, loving and worrying about someone who was constantly in danger. He was used to being on the other side, being the one being worried over, and he understood a little better why Jessica didn't want to live like that, why she had asked him to quit.

He reached up and moved a small lock of hair off her forehead and smoothed it down with the rest of her hair on the pillow. He could get used to it though, for her sake. He would be there for her, no matter what.

John gazed out the window at the moon, not sure what else to say or do. Slowly he became aware that he wasn't just holding Joss's hand, she was returning the pressure. Startled, he glanced up at her face to see her eyelids fluttering, and then her eyes opened. His heart dropped when she looked around in confusion and fear.

"Shhhh, it's OK, Joss, I'm right here", he soothed as he stood up and leaned over her so he would be in her line of sight. It touched his heart to see that as soon as she realized he was there with her, the fear left her face and she relaxed. Her trust in him was such that even in her confused state, she knew she was safe as long as he was there.

Their eyes locked and John started talking in low soothing tones, "You're in the hospital, you were shot during a bank robbery. You're going to be fine, everything is just fine."

Joss tried to talk, but she couldn't. "Hold on, let me get you some water", John soothed her again. He grabbed the pitcher of water on the bedside table and poured some into a cup. He unwrapped the bendable straw and placed it in the cup and held it to her lips. She sucked at it greedily, but John gently pulled it away before she overdid it.

"Careful, not too much at once."

Finally she managed to croak out, "Taylor?"

John smiled, that was his Joss; her first thought was always about her son. "He's fine, he's home with your mother. He'll be here once visiting hours start."

"Fusco? Shot?" She whispered.

"He's fine, he's right next door. His wounds weren't serious, thanks to you."

"Robbers?"

"You killed one, Donnelly has the other one in custody."

Joss shot him a look with the slightest hint of a smile. "OK", John confessed, "he had some help. I didn't think it was fair that you got all the gift wrapped perps. Here's some more water."

Joss sipped her water gratefully with her eyes locked on John's face. There was a hint of a smile on her lips, and John was grateful that she seemed happy to have him there.

He gave her hand a quick squeeze, "I'll go let the nurse know you are awake. Be right back."

John returned just a few minutes later, and was followed by the doctor on duty. The doctor gave Joss a quick exam, and told John that everything looked good, all things considered; he was quite pleased with her progress.

The doctor left shortly after and Joss looked tired. John stroked her cheek gently and suggested that she get some more sleep before her family got there.

"Will you stay?" She whispered.

John was touched once again by her complete trust in him. He was very glad now that he didn't kill Hagman.

"Of course. I'll be right here. Always", John said. Joss closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5 - Recovery

**Chapter 5 - Recovery**

The next couple of weeks flew by. Joss recovered in the hospital, and Fusco was sent home. Finch and Reese resumed working the numbers, but they both made time to visit Joss every day, sometimes more often, depending on their schedules and the needs of a case.

Carter was always happy to see them. She was bored in the hospital and talking about the latest case was a welcome distraction for her. She even made a few phone calls from her bed to contacts she had in other agencies to help out when she could.

When it was time for Joss to go home, John and Alice had a talk, and it was decided that Taylor would continue to stay with Alice for the first week. Alice could make sure Taylor had regular meals and would get to school on time. They would visit every day, but this way Joss would not have to worry about the care and feeding of an active teenager for a little while longer.

John assumed control of Joss's at home care. He spent as much time as he could at her place, making sure her meds were taken on time, and that she ate regular, healthy meals. If she yawned during the evening she was sent to bed. Dressings were changed on a strict schedule. After only a couple of days, Joss started referring to John as the "Recovery Nazi." John accepted it in good humor.

John also began to slowly cultivate a relationship with Taylor. They had discovered a shared love of playing basketball, and John took Taylor to the court down the street for some one on one when he could. They played video games under Joss's watchful eye, and the 3 three of them would happily watch basketball games on TV together, bickering over the calls. Taylor had expected the Bad Ass to be more stand-offish and was quite pleased to discover he was wrong.

If John was busy on a case, Finch or Fusco would stay with Carter.

The first time she was alone with Finch, Carter was nervous at first. She knew Finch had been angry with her for leading Snow to Johngetting John shot, but she shouldn't have worried. Finch had long ago decided that that since John had forgiven her, he would too. Joss discovered that despite Finch's formal manner, he could be quite funny and charming.

The first time Harold stayed with her, they spent a very companionable evening slouched on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn between them watching a Humphrey Bogart marathon. They both agreed that if it had been John Reese instead of Bogart in _Key Largo_, Edward G Robinson would not have even made it to the boat.

Discovering that Carter had been fond of the _Madeline_ books as a child, Finch found a first edition of the original _Madeline_ book for her and her squeal of delight could be heard all the way out to the streetl. He also discovered that they shared a sweet tooth, and he cheerfully snuck her treats when he thought John was not watching. (John actually saw a lot more than Finch thought he did, but he decided to let it pass because it made them both happy.)

Finch also took over the tutoring of Taylor in math and literature. Taylor hovered over Finch when he was working on a case with John from Joss's kitchen table and in no time at all, learned a couple of simple hacking tricks. Taylor even took over tracking John for a few minutes while Finch fixed dinner for the 3 of them. Fortunately for Finch, Joss was dozing on the couch and was none the wiser.

When it was Fusco's turn to watch Joss, he brought her favorite hotdog, extra mustard and sauerkraut, from the cart outside the precinct and kept her laughing the whole time with the latest gossip from work. Fusco had been returned to light duty, which meant he had plenty of time for gossip, which suited Joss just fine.

While Fusco and Joss were talking, her phone buzzed and she giggled when she saw the text message, "Time to take your meds"

Fusco shook his head. "Suitman has it bad for you, Joss."

"What?!"

"He's nuts about you. Don't you see it?"

To be sure, Joss had begun to wonder about it herself, but she had thought the maybe it just a result of wistful thinking on her part. She had done her best to hide her own feelings for the man under a thin veneer of annoyance, but deep down she knew she was fighting a losing battle. She shouldn't feel this way about a gun happy, law breaking vigilante, but she did. He consistently put his neck on the line for complete strangers and had saved her life and the life of her son while barely accepting a word of thanks. She'd seen his tenderness towards baby Leila. And damn his big generous unselfish heart, she loved him for it.

But she had never even dared hope he returned her feelings. She had seen that pictures of Jessica and had spent an entire afternoon drinking tea with her mother, talking about nothing but Jessica. well, she She knew she was Jessica's polar opposite and not John's type at all. John thought she was rule-bound and had a stick up her ass, she just couldn't help herself. He was dangerous and she was dull.

But lately she had caught him looking at her with an odd expression on his face. She had been vaguely aware in the hospital before she woke up that he had been there a lot. He was managing her recovery with the precision of a military operation. He didn't have to and no one would fault him for not doing it, but he WAS doing it, for some reason.

She decided to take the bull by the horns when John returned that night and ask him.


	6. Chapter 6 - Love

**Chapter 6 - Love**

Reese returned to the apartment shortly after, having wrapped up his latest case. He was quite satisfied with how it turned out, and was in a good mood. Fusco refused Joss's offer to stay for dinner and headed for home, giving Joss a knowing wink on his way out the door.

Reese reached for the pile of take-out menus Joss kept in a drawer. "I don't feel like cooking, do you?" He asked Joss. She shook her head with a smile. They ordered Chinese food to be delivered and when it came they settled in at Joss's kitchen table.

Joss was nervous while they were eating; she was trying to think of a way to broach the topic of their relationship, but couldn't think of a good way to do it. John kept looking over at her, picking up on her mood, but puzzled as to the cause.

Finally he put his chopsticks down. "Joss what's wrong?" He asked. His heart was in his throat, not knowing what the answer would be. He was terrified that she was about to tell him that it was time for him to leave. From a medical point of view, she really didn't need him around anymore and Taylor was about to move home. John knew that at some point he would have to go, but he had been hoping to put that off as long as he could.

Joss stared down into her honey walnut prawns, not really sure how to ask her question. "John, why are you here? Why are you taking care of me?" She finally asked.

John was startled; he had not been expecting that. "Because you've been hurt badly and you need someone here to keep an eye on you."

"No, that's not the whole story, is it?"

Damn, she was hard to fool John licked his lips nervously, and stared down at his plate for several minutes, his mind in turmoil. Joss sat patiently and waited for him. Finally he looked at her, he decided to simply tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

"I screwed up Joss, I let you down. While you were getting shot, I was out of town, sitting on a beach on Long Island, feeling sorry for myself. I should have been there, I could have stopped those guys before they hurt you."

He got up and starting pacing the kitchen. "And that was after the way I grabbed you during our fight the night before. That was inexcusable, I swore I would never touch a woman in anger, and then I touched you like that. I'm sorry, I failed you twice in less than 24 hours. You of all people."

He sat down heavily in the chair he had vacated earlier, rested his elbows on the table and put his head in hands. "I'm so sorry. You are the last person I ever want to fail, and you got hurt because I screwed up. I can only hope you can forgive me."

"So that's what all this is about? All the care and concern is a big guilt trip? That's why you are being so nice to me?"

"Joss, I'm not explaining it well, but, no, it's not just a big guilt trip. I'm here because I WANT to be here for you. I want to be sure you're OK. I want to protect you."

Joss leaned forward. "John look at me", she ordered in her best cop voice.

John looked up startled.

"John, we were shot within the first couple of minutes of arriving on the scene. You would've had to have been riding in our backseat to have been there in time. There is literally nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. So I hate to interrupt your guilt trip, but stow it."

John looked at her, not sure what to say.

"John, sometimes bad things just happen and there is nothing you can do about it. This was one of those times. I see it a lot as a cop. You can't prevent everything. You can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders like this, it will kill you."

John looked down for a few seconds, and then back at her. "I still should not have grabbed you like some sort of brute that night."

"John, all you did was grab my wrist, you didn't even leave a mark. I was poking you in your chest, you had every right to make it stop. I owe you an apology, not the other way around." She paused and bit her lower lip, "I am sorry I lost my temper, John."

She suddenly stood up, looking like she was going to cry. "So now you can stop feeling guilty, and get back to your life", she said quietly. "You don't have to stay here anymore." Before John could stop her, she walked quickly into her bedroom and shut the door.

Joss was crushed. She could have handled it if John simply didn't return her feelings, but to discover the that he was caring for her out of guilt and pity was too much for such a fiercely independent and proud woman to bear. She would be damned if he saw her cry over it, and right now she needed a good cry. Inwardly she kicked herself for daring to hope that the exciting and sexy John Reese would care for a bossy, stick in the mud cop.

She was in the bedroom with the door shut before John could react. He walked over to the bedroom door and tried to turn the knob, and it refused to budge, she had locked him out.

"Joss, open the door, let me explain."

"John, just go, I don't need your pity, I'll be just fine by myself**.** I took care of myself for a very long time before you came along."

John rested his forehead against the door, unsure how to fix the mess he had just made of things. He did know one thing; he was not leaving until it was fixed. If he left now, things would never be OK between Joss and him again. He pressed his ear against the door and heard the faint sounds of crying.

His first instinct was to break down the door. It was a cheap hollow core door that you could buy at any home improvement store, so it would easy for him to force it open, but he knew that could make things even worse. He decided to keep talking to her through the door.

"Joss, I'm sorry, I'm not good at this. I never have been. Please understand that this is not a guilt trip for me. I do feel guilty for being there for you, but I want to be here, I want to be with you. I've bungled this whole thing badly and I want to fix it."

He paused, head cocked, listening. No sound came from the other side of the door, so he decided to keep going. He sat down with his back against the wall outside the door and stretched his long legs out.

"When Finch called me and told me you had been shot. I thought I had lost you, just like I'd lost Jessica. When I found out she was dead, I lost my anchor. I failed her too. She called me before Peter killed her. I told her I was coming for her, and I didn't. That's why I was such a drunk when you first saw me. I just wanted the pain to stop, even if it was only for a few hours, and booze was the only way I could forget.

"Then I met you. You were the only person besides Finch who saw a human being under those rags and all the dirt. You were the only person who cared enough to ask me if I needed help, the only person who cared enough to try to figure out my story. You came pretty close to figuring it out, too. I felt a connection to you, the first connection I felt in a long, long time. I'd hoped that you had felt it too."

John paused, listening. The sounds of crying had stopped, so he hoped that Joss was listening. He found it a lot easier to talk through the door; it was like he was talking to himself. Probably more evidence of his emotional immaturity, but it seemed to be working for him, so he would roll with it.

"Remember the night before you got shot? When we had that argument, after I killed that dealer who tried to shoot you? I got so mad at you. I'll never forgive myself for grabbing you the way I did. Never.

"Then the very next day you got shot, I thought I'd lost you, too." John's voice choked up a bit thinking of that awful moment when Finch had told him that she had been seriously injured. He had to pause before he could go on.

"I can fight, I can maim and kill, and I'm very good at it. I'm not good with emotions because I'm a killer, plain and simple. Remember Kohl, that German spy whose own wife ran away from him because she thought he was a monster? That's me, Joss. I'm just like Kohl, I'm a monster too. That's what happens to men like us. I'm just sorry that I was too selfish to stay away from you like I should have, but I just couldn't. I wanted to see you, to talk to you, to be with you."

John heard the lock turn in the door and the door opened. John didn't dare look up at Joss, he was afraid she was about to send him away for good. Instead she dropped to her knees and put her arms around him, resting her chin on top of his head.

John froze, and for a second Joss thought he was going to shake her off, but he merely laid his hands on her arms while he struggled for control. "I don't deserve this", he said softly.

"Yes you do, John", Joss said just as softly.

"I'm a monster. I am the dark."

"Oh, John." She tightened her arms around him as she gently nuzzled the top of his head. "You're not a monster, you're human."

"You don't know the things I've done, all the people I've killed."

Joss kissed his temple. "You lost your way for a while, and you were lied to and used. You're still a good person."

"Joss…"

Carter laid a finger on his lips, "Shhhhh, no. Nothing you say will convince me otherwise, don't even try. I owe you my life; I owe you my son's life. How many strangers owe you their lives? Nothing you can say will change that."

Tears began rolling silently down his cheeks. "I don't deserve your trust."

"Yes, you do. You earned it."

"You should be running from me."

"I'm not, I won't." She dropped her head down and gently nuzzled his ear. She whispered softly, "I want YOU."

He turned and gathered her up in his arms. "Joss, never think I don't want you or don't care about you, but I have enough baggage to weigh down a jumbo jet. You'd be hard pressed to name a government agency that isn't after me. I live in the shadows. That can't be want you want."

"John, I want you, even with all the baggage. I've seen you risk your life for total strangers, I saw you with baby Leila. You saved me, you saved my son. I know what you are."

John buried his face in her hair. "I never thought someone like you would trust me, have confidence in me..."

Joss grabbed John's face in her hands and forced him to look at her. "You've got me on some sort of pedestal, is that what this is all about? John, I don't want to be up there, I want to be down here, with you." She stopped speaking and kissed him, hard and aggressively.

It took a surprised John a few seconds to react, but react he did. He returned the kiss, just as hard and aggressively. He pulled her onto his lap and angled her head for better access while his tongue caressed hers.

They were finally forced to break part before they passed out from lack of oxygen. The look of surprise on John's face made Joss laugh, and she nipped his lower lip. "Am I off the pedestal now?"

"Are you sure about this, Joss? Have you really thought about this?"

Joss laughed again. "John, I have been thinking about this since the first time you smirked at me that morning at the diner. I am very sure, I don't think I have ever been more sure about anything." And to prove her point she started pulling up his shirt and running her hands over his bare stomach.

John moaned and leaned back against the wall, struggling for control. He had dreamed of this, God knows he'd wanted it. He grabbed her hands forcing her to stop, because he still was not sure this was the right thing to do, the right thing for her.

"John?" Joss's voice was soft and pleading. "Don't you want me? I want you."

He opened his eyes and met Joss's and the desire he saw there both scared, and humbled him. She wanted him as much as he wanted her.

"Yes, Joss I want you", he managed to choke out, still struggling with himself, still struggling with doing the right thing.

"Then I'm yours." Joss said simply.

That destroyed the last of his resolve. He let go of her hands and grabbed her shirt, pulling **it **off over her head so fast that in retrospect he was surprised she didn't get a friction burn. He leaned forward away from the wall allowing Joss to remove his shirt. He pulled her to him so her body was pressed against his, skin on skin, and it felt more wonderful than he had imagined. He kissed her again, inserting his tongue and ravaging her mouth.

He reached behind her, unhooked her bra and she helped to remove it while their mouths were still locked. He broke their kiss to gasp for air then locked onto her nipple while she threw her head back and moaned. The moaning nearly drove him out of his mind, knowing that he was the one who was making her feel this way.

He sucked and bit one nipple and moved over to the other. His hands reached down and grabbed her ass, the ass that he had been watching and aching to touch for months. It was every bit as firm and shapely as he had thought. He wanted to feel it without any fabric in the way so he popped the button on her jeans, and she shifted allowing him to remove her pants in short order.

He pulled back from her for a few seconds to look at her. Despite the number of times he had dreamed about this moment, he never really thought he would have a completely naked Joss straddling his lap. She was even more beautiful in person than she had been in his dreams.

When she had moved so that he could remove her pants, to his surprise, he saw that she had a tattoo; a pair of wings on her lower back with a vine that extended from the wingtips, around her hips to the middle of her stomach in front. He traced the tattoo with one finger with a small smile on his face.

Joss leaned forward and whispered, "You like it?" John smiled at her, "I like, no, I love every bit of you", and pulled her back against him while his hands explored her body. She shifted grinding herself against him, causing him to grasp. Her hands explored his body, until she reached his jeans. She undid the snap and lowered his zipper. Before he knew it, his pants were off and there was no longer anything between them.

Joss reached down gently taking him in her hand and rose up to take him in. She guided him to her entrance and moaned as he penetrated her. She slowly slid down him until he was completely buried in her and he groaned with pleasure. Joss might have told him that she was his, but John knew at that moment that she owned him, body and soul, and he would never want another woman like this again. For the first time in a long time, he felt happy.

She began to move up and down, up until he was almost out of her then she dropped back down until he was buried again.

John thrust upward into her. He moaned, entranced as he watched her breasts bounce. He latched onto a nipple again causing Joss to inhale sharply. John smiled against her breast; he wanted her to enjoy this as much as he did, if not more. He wanted her to keep coming back to him for the rest of their lives. He knew he would always return to her.

He sucked and bit on her nipple while he ran his hands up and down her back. She threw her head back, eyes closed in ecstasy. "Oh, John!" She gasped. He pulled her to him and kissed her deeply.

John reached down and began rubbing his thumb over her clitoris. Suddenly she stiffened and cried out his name, her walls clenching down hard on him. This triggered his own climax and he answered her cries with his own, calling her name. Joss went limp, and he pulled her close to him, trying to get as much skin on skin contact as he could. He almost cried with how good she felt against him, how right the whole thing felt. He nuzzled her hair and she buried her face against his neck.

"You'll never get rid of me now", he said softly. "You're stuck with me for the rest of our lives."

"Do you have any idea how happy that makes me?" She murmured into his neck.

"I think I actually do", he said, cuddling her close.

"Shall we move this to bed?" She suggested. John was loathe to break contact with her, but the bed would be far more comfortable than the floor and he wanted to make love to her all night. She slid off him and he rose gracefully to his feet, pulling her up with him. He scooped her up in his arms and carried her the short distance to the bed while she giggled happily.

Her giggle nearly drove him wild, but he restrained himself because she was still recuperating from her wounds. He laid her on the bed tenderly, and gently touched the pink scar on her side, the wound that collapsed her lung. "Are you OK? You're not hurting?"

The look in his eyes nearly made Joss cry, it was so tender, so loving. No one had looked at her that way since her husband had, on the day Taylor was born. Any doubts she may have had about giving herself to John Reese vanished instantly. He wasn't the safe choice, and he certainly wasn't the conventional choice, but Joss had never taken the safe or conventional route, and now was not the right time to start. This was probably going to be one of the most unconventional relationships in the history of the world, but she was completely committed to it as of that moment.

"I'm fine John. But I won't be if you don't come down here and fuck me."

John smiled down at her and gently lowered his body so that he was laying on top of her. He kissed her, deeply, his tongue gently caressing hers. She moaned in his mouth. He moved over to her ear and nipped the lobe, and then started moving down her neck, nipping her then using his talented tongue to soothe the marks his teeth left.

He moved down to her breast, leaving a hickey next to the nipple, marking her as his. He turned to other breast and did the same there. Joss's breasts proved to be exceptionally sensitive and her eyes rolled back into her head in ecstasy, as she moaned in pleasure. He traveled down her body, nipping and kissing his way down her belly until his face was between her legs.

He nipped at her inner thighs and then turned his attention to her sex. He lightly used the tip of tongue to flick her clit several times until Joss was whimpering his name and her thighs were trembling. Then he stopped and waited. Joss looked down at him, and he gave her a cocky smile that had her rolling her eyes and giggling. He started flicking his tongue against her clit again, and again he stopped when she was right on the verge. He repeated the process until she was crying for relief. He gently ran his teeth over her clit, until she arched her back crying out his name for a second time that night.

He moved swiftly up her body and plunged into her, slamming into her hard and fast. "Oh God, don't stop!" Joss cried, as she wrapped her legs around his hips. John had no intentions of stopping until she was satisfied for the third time that night. He kept up the pace until Joss's eyes rolled back into her head, so breathless that she could barely gasp his name. His own climax followed immediately after as he cried out her name.

He collapsed on top of her and rolled over on his back while holding her so that she was on top of him. She laid her head on his chest, while he stroked his long elegant fingers up and down her back. Joss kissed him over his heart and looked up at him.

"You're smiling", she said softly.

"I have a lot to smile about", he replied. "I haven't felt like this in a very long time". He looked down at her and stroked her hair tenderly. "I meant what I said earlier, you are never getting rid of me now".

"I know, I feel the same way."

John held her close. "Get some rest", he whispered to her. "I'll be right here with you."

She slid off of him and snuggled up to his side. She looked up at him, then reached up and kissed him gently, smiled, and put her head back down on his chest. A few minutes later, her steady breathing told John that she was fast asleep.

John stared at the ceiling fan moving lazily overhead. He was amazed that he was lying in Joss's bed with her in his arms, and she cared for him every bit as much as he cared for her. He had thought that he would never feel this way again.

Slowly his eyes closed and he fell into a deep and restful sleep, still holding Joss against his body.


	7. Chapter 7 - Family

_Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful reviews, I'm glad you have enjoyed this story so much!_

_Once again I have to thanks my BAMF Beta, Maddsgirl75!_

**Chapter 7 - Family**

John awoke the next morning, feeling relaxed and refreshed for the first time in years. No nightmares had haunted him, and the sleeplessness that plagued him when he wasn't having nightmares had vanished.

He looked over at the reason for his new-found peace, Josselyn, laying on her side with her head propped up on one arm, smiling down at him. He couldn't help but smile at her. "Good morning, sleepyhead", she chirped and leaned over to kiss him. He cupped his hand over the back of her head and kissed her back so softly and gently that it took her breath away. When she pulled back, the gentle, loving look in his eyes made her swear to be with him as long as they were alive.

John reached out and ran the back of his large hand over her cheek. She raised her hand to his and held his hand while she pressed her cheek against his hand. She turned her head and kissed his hand. John gathered her in his arms and kissed her deeply. He rolled them over so he was on top and entered her without breaking the kiss. He smiled a bit when she whimpered as he penetrated her. He loved the little sounds she made during lovemaking.

The pace started out slow and gradually increased in speed until John was once again pounding himself into her while she screamed his name and begged for more. They came almost in unison, and John cupped her face in his hands, kissed her, and then pressed his forehead against hers.

"Good morning to you too", he said and she laughed. Suddenly, John was looking forward to the rest of his life because he was spending it with her.

His eyes fell on the clock. "You have a doctor's appointment in 90 minutes, we had better get moving."

Joss snuggled up to him. "Do we have to?" She looked up at him coyly.

He kissed her. "Yes, we do", he said firmly. "You are not skipping a doctor's appointment."

Joss groaned and rolled out of bed, Can you at least come with me?" She pouted.

John got out of bed and went looking for his pants. He pulled his phone out of the pocket and checked it. "No messages from Finch, so I can. Go take your shower, we can stop for coffee and a muffin on our way if you want."

Forty fine minutes later, John parked in front of the coffee shop by the hospital. He and Joss got their coffee and a couple of pastries and took a seat at an empty table.

"Taylor is supposed to move home today", Joss said.

John looked startled. "Do you want me to leave?" He asked.

"What? NO! He's made it clear to me that he likes having you around. I was just going to ask you to pick him up from school and get his stuff from my mother's. I have a physical therapy appointment, so I can't do it."

John relaxed. "Sorry, I'm still getting used to this."

Joss leaned forward. "Well you had better work on that buster, you're not getting away from me!"

"Don't worry, you're stuck with me, Detective."

Joss leaned back in her chair and smiled at him. "Don't you forget it".

John smiled at her and dropped his eyes down to his coffee, swirling it around idly. He looked pensive.

Joss cocked her head to one side. "What's wrong, John?"

John raised his eyes to met hers. "You do know that this is not exactly going to be a normal relationship, don't you?"

Joss looked puzzled. "Of course I do, John. I know we can't walk down the street together holding hands. I know we'll have to be very careful so we don't expose you to the CIA or any of the other government agencies that want a piece of you. I know you'll have to disappear for days at a time when working a case. I'm OK with that, as long as you keep coming back to me."

John stared at her, his blue eyes as intense as she had ever seen them. She was surprised that they didn't bore a hole through her like some sort of laser beam. "I swear, I will always return to you, no matter what. Only death will keep me away."

"Oh, John", Joss did not know what to say to that. She felt so loved in that moment, but they were in public, so she couldn't throw her arms around him.

John broke the mood by looking at his watch. "We better get moving if you are going to make your appointment in time."

John waited patiently in the waiting room while Joss was in the with the doctor. She came out of the office beaming. "Good news?" John asked.

"I have been cleared to return to work, light duty only, but I get to go back to work."

"That'll make Fusco happy, he's been missing you."

"Are you sure? He's never said anything to me; all he does is bitch about the new kid they got him training."

"Yep, all the bitching means he misses his partner."

Joss rolled her eyes. "If you say so."

"How are you getting home from your physical therapy session?"

"I was just going to take the subway."

"I'll call Finch, he can pick you up, then he can stay for dinner. You have been cleared to return to work, Taylor is coming home and I feel like celebrating. Call Fusco too."

Joss laughed. "A dinner party does sound nice."

Later, John parked around the corner from Taylor's school and texted the high schooler instructions on where to meet him.

Ten minutes later the teenager hopped in the car. "Ready to go home?" John asked.

"You know it", Taylor responded. "I love Grandma, but she's not my mom." The teen paused. "Are you staying?" He asked tentatively.

"Yes."

Taylor smiled, "Cool."

John smiled back, "Thanks."

And that was all they need to say to each other.

John drove over to Alice's apartment, and he followed Taylor up in case the teen needed help. Alice was happy to see him and, to his shock, gave him a big hug. Taylor had to stifle a laugh at John's surprised expression. But John recovered and returned her affectionate hug.

Taylor retrieved his things, hugged his Grandma good bye and he and John were on their way back to the Carter apartment.

When they turned onto Joss's street, John recognized Finch's Lincoln and Fusco's cruiser both parked on the street. Taylor bounded out of the car and up the steps into the building as soon as John parked. John had to smile, the kid was anxious to be home with his mother. John locked the car and followed Taylor up the stairs and into the apartment.

As soon as he entered the apartment, John heard Joss bossing Fusco around in the kitchen, and Taylor and Finch discussing the teen's latest Trig test. John paused as he took his jacket off and hung it on the coat rack by the front door. He walked to the doorway leading to the kitchen and he saw his family gathered there. Joss was giving Fusco directions on how to she wanted the fruit sliced for the fruit salad as she slid a large ham into the oven. Taylor was sitting at the table with Finch reporting on his latest assignment. John leaned against the door jamb smiling a big goofy grin.

He was finally home with his family.

THE END


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